Sarah I could have written this post myself. He told me for months we were soul mates. I am so grateful for all the supportive responses. That's why he was avoiding me. After my short experience with it and reading so many stories here to me addiction is hell, period, and the toll is too huge in the addicts and the people that love them. I know that my understanding and my empathy and my love has enabled you. Please do not pass judgement too harshly on him.
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please do not hesitate to seek help. I remember all of the deception; lie after lie after lie. Someone will talk to you and help you through it. This way your life will get better. I do have friends and family to turn to, but I feel as though I'm burdening everyone with my sadness. Mourning the loss of someone who is still alive seems like a waste of time. But there is such a void there.
I start to remember the Hyde to the Jekyll, the Ryan to the addict. Well, I went to see him at work one day. He refused to answer the door. Things went back to relative calm for a short while. There was never a doubt in my mind: you were the love of my life. He said he doesn't seem himself spending the rest of his life with me, that he just sees himself alone.
I remember laying down at night, watching you while you were sleeping, begging God not to take you away from me; begging God to give you more time to beat this addiction. You should be ashamed of yourself. See, I hate the man who chose drugs over me, over his son, over our family. Our thinking is distorted, our feelings are irrational. It's only once or twice a month, but now that he has a better car it will be more frequent.
But that only lasts a moment, before I start to remember that. Please feel free to continue to post, as you will not only gain a lot of support and information, but I'm sure that your courage in sharing will help others, who do not dare. I held on for Ryan. I am still on edge and pay close attention to how he is every day. It's hard when your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you something else. You are not alone and need to learn to receive.
Our disease causes our mind to justify and rationalize anything that stands in the way of our drug use. I begged him to talk to me, to let me help him get help. White, Morris and Joel Hynes all say there should be more help and treatment services for drug addicts in the province, which they say has seen a spike in crime and drug use in recent years. The Ryan who ever-so-briefly made appearances and reminded me of who lies, cheats, steals, and disappears; who is selfish and moody and disconnected; who always chooses drugs. Eventually, we can become friends, but I know that will take time.
Well, my suspicions were confirmed. How did I allow my life to fall into shambles over an addiction that I'd never even had? But what affected me the most was watching young children walk through gates and security to visit their parents. She might resent me at some point for breaking up her family, but I'll always know and someday she will too. When an alcoholic stops drinking. The unrecognizable person you have become.
I know that my understanding and my empathy and my love has enabled you. She cried in my arms when she met me because she said I was a good guy. He'll hit bottom--and that's when with a little luck, a little grace, he'll find the help he needs. And when loved ones around an addict try to make sense of the addict's behavior, they can not. There was never a doubt in my mind: you were the love of my life. I've been really depressed lately.
He started being very moody. I wasn't considering breaking up permanently, but more of a break to figure things out. He told me he wasn't sure about a relationship with me. He still loved me but wants to be himself. It is highly resistant to treatment, and it can be a monster to overcome.
But I know deep down, you will always hurt me. I took away your parental rights. The drug addict who slowly consumed the person I loved and refused to give him back. I want him to quit because he is so much better than that. I can no longer stay where I am not heard. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to believe you chose the drugs over me. .